As many of you know, I am working towards my yoga teacher certification by attending trainings that are held one weekend a month through Yoga Body and Balance here in Lincoln, NE. This past weekend, I attended our April training. This weekend was a little different from previous trainings and not just in the subject matter.
The schedule during these weekends is always packed with twelve hours (both Saturday and Sunday) of bountiful knowledge and physical practice. This weekend was no exception, except much adaptation was needed due to surprising weather. Not growing up in Nebraska, I am not as prepared as others around the area for possibilities of tornadoes and imminent storms in the month of April. Needless to say, Saturday was an ongoing fluctuation of massive thunderstorms and tornado warnings throughout the state. My mind was in a constant battle of worry, doubt, and the feeling of being out of control of the situation.
Due to the inclement weather, our training schedule was altered and we ended Saturday three hours early so that individuals could go home and safely prepare for the possibility of a tornado or massive storm. I spent the rest of the afternoon at my in-laws awaiting a break in what felt like Mother Nature's wrath. At 5pm there was a brief lull and I hurriedly jumped in my father-in-law's SUV and headed home so that I could be with Adam and sleep in my own bed that night. My hands were quite sore from gripping the wheel by the time I got home.
To accommodate for the three hours missed on Saturday, we had to add those hours onto Sundays schedule, making it a long training day of nine hours instead of six. Already physically and emotionally tired from the previous day's anxiety invoking storms and continual forecast warnings, I walked into our training at 8am with much less vigor than I normally do.
As the day progressed, my body and mind consistently sank. Everything hurt... I had a headache, my belly button felt like it was about to rip apart, my feet felt as it 30lb weights had been dropped on them, I could feel my hips widening and the ligaments around them screaming in protest, my tailbone (which I broke as a kid) felt as if it was re-breaking, and well... enough of my complaining, you get the idea. Needless to say, it was not my day.
Sunday morning, during our practice of meditation, my fellow STF (student-teacher-friend), Camie, shared her experience of driving in that morning and relating her experience of being in "stormy weather" to her yoga practice. It was so meaningful to hear her words as I was in my own storm cloud that day. I began to realize that whatever your reason is for practicing yoga, whether it be for relaxation, physical activity, or emotional and spiritual welfare, the practice does not help you avoid personal storms, but allows you to find ways to overcome them if you are open to it.
I made the difficult decision on Sunday to leave our training early and go home and rest. Many of you are probably thinking, "So what, you are eight months pregnant. Go for it.". Well unfortunately, I am a pusher in a negative way and "going home early" goes against the personal expectations I have set for myself. What I mean by this is that I often push myself physically and emotionally past it's limits to detrimental outcomes. It is hard for me to back off, because somewhere along my timeline of growing up, I learned that to back off meant that I was a failure.
So back to yesterday, for the last hour before we broke for lunch, I was in mental turmoil as the need for rest became more and more demanding on me and my unborn child. When I told our facilitators, Thomas and Tataya, that I needed to go home, my request was met with love, concern, and importantly, respect for my decision. I kept apologizing to Thomas for having to miss the rest of the training. Thomas made the profound comment, "Why apologize when you can say thank you."
Because of my weary state, Thomas' advise didn't really sink in until this morning when I woke up feeling physically and emotionally better after many hours of sleep and rest. The fact is, it is often a much stronger action to back off than to push forward. We talked about this on Sunday as another STF, Tanya, shared how her pregnancy shaped her yoga practice into a more profound experience. It is so true. There are many yoga poses that are not healthy for a pregnant woman and/or her baby which has led to my growing inner wisdom of when to go for it and when to back off. Being pregnant completely changes your entire yoga practice and hopefully one learns how powerful it is to let go into the experience instead of trying to physically push your body to its limits.
So back to Thomas' comment... I completely understand it now. Why apologize for doing the right thing for your mind, body, and soul? Why apologize when you can say thank you to yourself for having the strength, patience, and inner wisdom to recognize what is best for you and your baby? Why apologize when you can say thank you to the people around you who respect and support you with all of their hearts? Looking back now, my experience yesterday was not a moment of weakness, but a moment of strength and balance. I couldn't have done it without the support of all my STFs. So today, I say thank you to myself and the people around me... I recommend you do the same because it feels amazing!
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